Trapped In My Own Head??

This past week, I spoke with a very close friend of mine and explained my current state of mind and what I have been doing to work on present challenges in front of me. I explained how I have been practicing meditation, getting back to nature (even though it has been crazy cold outside), working on awareness and attention to detail, interest in Reiki, etc. These are all things I have determined are needed to help stregthen myself as I go forward. Of course my constant job searching is ongoing too!

Anyway, I explained all that, and she had the following statement to say about me, "You are trapped in your own head." As I sat there in a state of uncomfortable confusion and slight irritation, she explained her statement further saying that I am overly focused on myself and I'm not reaching out to other people. She said that I am so wrapped up in my own thoughts and my own predicament that I am losing sight of the positive things going on around me. I disagreed with her quite a bit with some other things she was saying, but I do concede that I have been living too much in my own head. I need to release the white knuckled grip on life's steering wheel and sense the flow of things around me better. I need to stop dwelling on solving my problems, and I need to start helping other people again. After all that is what I do best! If I set myself up for success and prepare, then success will eventually follow. I've been trying to formulate my entire life plan in my head without taking any steps towards it until I have it all figured out. This works well for land use planning (my profession) but not so much for planning a future for myself...

After I thought about what she said for a few minutes, I agreed with her on her main point: I need to get out of my head. Next she wanted me to start doing three things. First off, she said I needed to seek help. If I didn't want that to be professional help, then at least bring some more close friends into the fold and ask for their advice. Second, she said I need to start volunteering, preferably helping people that are poor or in desperate need. Third, I needed to be grateful for all the blessings that I do have in my life. Now I agree with her on ALL three points, but I for sure do number three everyday already (or almost everyday anyway!) She didn't think I did, and I got rather defensive about it. Then I realized that even though I thank Spirit for all that I am grateful for everyday, I probably don't thank the people in my life enough everyday. This made me feel ashamed, but it was necessary to hear. Once again, outward ungratefulness is not typical of me, but it has happened because I am living too much in my own head. It's also interesting that I hadn't thought of volunteering, which is also a symptom of my condition. I like this idea a lot, so I plan to look for opportunities in volunteering as soon as I find a place to settle into in the near future. These two points should have been so easy for me. Often times it takes someone else to point out the obvious right under your own nose!

The first point is something I have been struggling with for years, and it all begins with trust and willingness to come out of my cave again. Honestly, I have made huge progress with this since my divorce, yet I get a little slap from betrayal every once in awhile that keeps my inner thoughts hidden away in my protective shell. I used to be so gullible and trust everyone; then after discovering my wife's lengthy affair with another friend and the ensueing divorce I thought I could trust absolutely no one. The past five years have been devoted to finding the balance between gullible and cynical. I have some awfully difficult choices to make in the next few months, and I know I can't evaluate all options on my own. Therefore, I will do my best to reach out to friends to help guide my way. Most assuredly, I will start by following these three points of advice given to me already and free myself from being trapped in my own head!

Distractions

It has become quite clear to me that I have been spending a considerable amount of time this past month distracting myself from reality. I have been spending many hours a day playing video games, surfing the internet (sometimes with purpose, sometimes without), reading fantasy novels, jacking around with my "smart"phone and even gazing into the loathsome television. In reflection, these hours of senselessness are rather embarrassing.

Afterall, what good do these distractions do for me when I am trying to figure out a new life for myself? Sometimes I wonder if my brain gets on overload and needs to enter into some mind-numbing fantasy to keep from sizzling itself into a frittata! I have a theory about why I spend so much of my day distracting myself, but first, I want to mention the positive things that I do that I take pride in everyday.

I have been spending a reasonable amount of time and effort each day moving with purpose and staying on task. Afterall, I realize laziness by way of doing nothing isn't going to get me anywhere in life. It's not even a miniscule dream in my head to sit around and do nothing everyday. Instead, I take walks everyday. while pondering what's in my heart; I search for jobs that seem interesting to me, and complete applications and/or send resumes out to the ones that seem worthy of my pursuit; I lift weights at the gym to burn off stress and worry; and I have even started to practice yoga and meditation, although I am really having difficulties with gaining any insights from meditation. I know these things take patience and practice, but I had no idea how difficult it is to journey inward. I have become a master of journeying from place to place, even reaching the most remote locations of the physical world, yet I struggle to journey the paved roads of my own mind and heart.

In this sense, I have determined that the distractions are the easy way out of traveling within. My brain wants to wander when I meditate. Worse yet, I get a mental paralysis at times and can't make a decision about something important for myself, so my natural reaction is to distract myself and delay the decision, a.k.a. procrastination.

Several times in the past few months I have come to a crossroads where my life could be substantially different depending on which choice I make... or are these perceived crossroads that all lead to the same destination in my life no matter which choice I make? How could anyone have the answser to that? LOL In either case, I use the knowledge and experience I have at the time to make the best decision at that particular crossroads. The trouble lately has been that my experience in my present situation is minimal and my knowledge of what I actually want to achieve from all this is conflicted. In turn, this situation has led to distractions.

Maybe I just need more time to let some pieces of the puzzle fall into place and let the picture become more clear. It is difficult to remain patient when I feel so much is at stake, but if I don't remain patient then I may rush into another dead-end only to have to backtrack. The best I can do is to keep my eyes open for opportunities on the horizon and not distract myself so much that I lose sight of answers right under my nose. As always my friends, I am open to suggestions and advice on any of these rambling thoughts!