Distractions

It has become quite clear to me that I have been spending a considerable amount of time this past month distracting myself from reality. I have been spending many hours a day playing video games, surfing the internet (sometimes with purpose, sometimes without), reading fantasy novels, jacking around with my "smart"phone and even gazing into the loathsome television. In reflection, these hours of senselessness are rather embarrassing.

Afterall, what good do these distractions do for me when I am trying to figure out a new life for myself? Sometimes I wonder if my brain gets on overload and needs to enter into some mind-numbing fantasy to keep from sizzling itself into a frittata! I have a theory about why I spend so much of my day distracting myself, but first, I want to mention the positive things that I do that I take pride in everyday.

I have been spending a reasonable amount of time and effort each day moving with purpose and staying on task. Afterall, I realize laziness by way of doing nothing isn't going to get me anywhere in life. It's not even a miniscule dream in my head to sit around and do nothing everyday. Instead, I take walks everyday. while pondering what's in my heart; I search for jobs that seem interesting to me, and complete applications and/or send resumes out to the ones that seem worthy of my pursuit; I lift weights at the gym to burn off stress and worry; and I have even started to practice yoga and meditation, although I am really having difficulties with gaining any insights from meditation. I know these things take patience and practice, but I had no idea how difficult it is to journey inward. I have become a master of journeying from place to place, even reaching the most remote locations of the physical world, yet I struggle to journey the paved roads of my own mind and heart.

In this sense, I have determined that the distractions are the easy way out of traveling within. My brain wants to wander when I meditate. Worse yet, I get a mental paralysis at times and can't make a decision about something important for myself, so my natural reaction is to distract myself and delay the decision, a.k.a. procrastination.

Several times in the past few months I have come to a crossroads where my life could be substantially different depending on which choice I make... or are these perceived crossroads that all lead to the same destination in my life no matter which choice I make? How could anyone have the answser to that? LOL In either case, I use the knowledge and experience I have at the time to make the best decision at that particular crossroads. The trouble lately has been that my experience in my present situation is minimal and my knowledge of what I actually want to achieve from all this is conflicted. In turn, this situation has led to distractions.

Maybe I just need more time to let some pieces of the puzzle fall into place and let the picture become more clear. It is difficult to remain patient when I feel so much is at stake, but if I don't remain patient then I may rush into another dead-end only to have to backtrack. The best I can do is to keep my eyes open for opportunities on the horizon and not distract myself so much that I lose sight of answers right under my nose. As always my friends, I am open to suggestions and advice on any of these rambling thoughts!