Autumn's End

As we approach the end of another season, I have found it hard to write or verbalize my thoughts because I am in such a deep inward reflection regarding the past few months. Words simply haven't been coming to me easily, and I find that my mind is in some sort of hibernation. Actually, I find this frame of mind to be a good thing for the most part. I have been very content and happy in this mode, especially this past week. I have been making many observations, and I have been taking in the flow of energy around me. Every morning I wake up and expect my brain to be done processing all that it is grinding on and spit out a revelation about what I should be doing, where I should be doing it, and who I should be sharing these experiences with. So far though, nothing.

On a different subject, I have found an odd repetitive occurrence in the past few weeks. I have been approached by an unusually high number of strangers that keep asking me for money, and it has been happening in the oddest of places at times. One time I was just sitting in my car typing out a text message on my phone and a guy knocked on my window and asked if I had any money I could spare for gas. No, I wasn't even at a gas station... I am starting to think that even though I am on a very strict budget with no source of income, I should start helping the people that ask (even if I don't know them.) It just seems like maybe a sign when unusual events keep repeating themselves in such a short period of time.

As a matter of principle, I do try to help people as much as I can and even though I am in no position to be throwing money around, I can't afford to be stingy either. I believe that what you put out in the world will come back around, so if I am stingy with money, then I will have very little come back to me in return. However, if I am generous, then that generosity will be returned by others snd I will remain in a healthy state of being. This seems to be working well for me so far, and if I don't feel like I can offer up money at the time then I will try to offer up time, labor, or resources instead.

The nagging question that keeps coming to mind, however, is that eventually the money will run out without a source of income. Easy answer: I need to find a job even if that means a temporary part-time job (or a few). In turn, this also means that I need to settle into a place for longer than two weeks at a time. Of course this is all part of the slumbering process that my mind has endeavored into. It is also part of the delicate balance of enjoying my travels and while keeping money on hand. All in the evolving plan of what to do after the holidays. Answers are coming...

Milking the Light of the Dark Moon

Those of us north of the equator have entered the dark half of the year in the midst of its first dark moon. Ahhh yes, the exact darkness to which I was borne into 35 years ago, which makes me feel like I have returned to my beginnings. I relish the dark moon and its inherent psychic play that guides me on an inward journey through the depths of self while I search for the yearnings of my soul. Instinctively, my energy wanes with the light of days. In the coming months I will undoubtedly recoil into a harsh solitude, but not yet. For the time being, I am reveling in much happiness as if I am feeding off of the energy and power of the Leonids as they dance overhead. I am finding light in the darkness; I am finding happiness in the solitude; I am finding luck in the source of my life!

It has been no coincidence that I returned to celebrate my birthday in the city I was born and raised in. It's somehow inspiring to return from whence I came. I have been spending my past week in quiet meditation and isolation during the days and in celebration at nights. I will revel in everyday I can continue finding light on this unknown, darkened path!

Living Life

I can't explain just how wonderful it has been to relax and regroup for the past week. We've all taken vacations from time to time - a chance to get away from the "real world" and escape the day to day stress of work and home. Believe me, I am not deluded enough to think that I am on vacation and have no worries in the world, but I am experiencing something so much different than ever before. I don't have that lingering expiration date in the back of my head counting down the days and hours until I return to my office. Even better, I don't have that dreaded feeling of "how ridiculously stacked is my desk going to be when I get back?!" You know those worries when you're on your vacation that either don't allow you to have a good time while you're away, or you just get more stressed out when you return from your vacation and wonder why you left in the first place? Thankfully, I don't have to worry about returning to that hellish place ever again!

This week, I have been in the Twin Cities meeting new people and enjoying time with some close friends. Put simply, I have been living life! I feel like I have been letting the past several years of my life pass me by without actually taking note of any purpose or intent to it. The past several years have gelled into a blur of repetition that makes it seem like months instead of years. Willfully, I've rediscovered true time again, whereas this week actually FELT like two weeks because it has been enjoyable and new! Fortunately, I didn't waste another week sitting behind an office desk for a week wishing my time away, wishing it was Friday or Saturday. Instead, I've been living in the moment and being thankful for every breath of life I have!

As you can probably tell, I am not taking this lightly... this is a REAL opportunity for me to start a better life for myself. It is important that I not rush this. Otherwise, I could end up in another bad situation or repeating past mistakes. Either or those scenarios, I cannot afford to have happen! At the same time, I can't squander this chance because I may not get this opportunity again for another 30 years! No pressure right?? LOL Actaully there isn't... I just need to listen to my heart and look for inspiration and direction again.

A New Day

As some of you are aware, I left Omaha yesterday to begin my journey of insanity. It was an exhausting week prior, filled with cleaning, packing and moving, so when I hit the road yesterday it was nice to finally relax and enjoy a beautiful drive to Minneapolis on a mild, Autumn day. The winds were in my favor all day, so I felt like a falling leaf being carried away.

My dear friends here in the Minneapolis area have been gracious enough to take me in to their homes, so I feel well taken care of! I am thankful for my friends every day. As I have moved into this transitional time in my life, I have received so much love and support from my closest friends. It's times like these that I discover who my true friends are really.

If it weren't for all the support around me, I think I would be a hysterical heap of disaster. I have a considerable amount of confusion, disillusion, and unhappiness that has built up for several years, and now it is time to clean that waste out of the mental closet. In the short amount of time that I have broken away from the life that I knew, I would describe myself as disturbingly relaxed. When I stop and think about what I have done (in leaving my job and my home), I panic a little. Typically I am a very logically-thinking, reasonable person. I do enjoy taking calculated risks and being spontaneous, but this latest manuever is well over the top of my norm. My panic subsides when I think of all the support and love I have from my friends and I assure myself that this is only temporary. I WILL have a new job again relatively soon; I WILL have a new home again relatively soon; and it WILL be a better life than that one I just gave up! This interim period is a much needed break for me. It is necessary to recharge my heart and soul, which has been thoroughly drained in the past several years. Besides won't this make for some great stories to tell in the future?

The Grand Sending

Ok, I admit I had some butterflies fluttering around in my stomach this morning when I approached my office for the last time. I think I even had some woodpeckers flapping and pecking at my brain trying to wake me up from this potentially colossal mistake I may be making. Strangely, I have been very calm through this whole upheaval, and thankfully it didn't take long for me to bring myself back to that calm this morning.

In case I needed any more assurance that I am doing the right thing for myself by leaving my miserable job, all I had to do was attend my farewell luncheon today. A grand total of 12 people showed up to say goodbye to me. This might not sound bad, but consider I work for a city that employs a couple hundred people! The darkly amusing part was that a few of them only showed up for the free food and never said a word to me. Need I say more?

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning, and I couldn't be happier about that!

Closing Time

Welcome to my first ever blogging extravaganza!! Ok, now cut to commercial... Ahh, suspense for the sake of drama :)

I've always wondered why people do this whole web logging (a.k.a., blogging) thing, but now I think I can actually see some benefit in it and use it with purpose. Several people have actually contacted me lately about journaling my upcoming adventures. Why? I have no idea. Maybe they want hours of painful ramblings to torture their basement trolls with. It's anyone's guess...

Allow me to get right to the point of this blog. As of 5:00PM tomorrow, I will start a new chapter of my life. The excitement and energy is flowing through me like it hasn't been in years! In reality, this is probably more than a new chapter. I am in hopes that it will be a new book entirely! The last book ended on a bit of a downer, almost on like an "Empire Strikes Back" kind of note. Only I was the one entombed in the block of carbonite looking all contorted with mouth gaping open in a "WTF just happened" look on my face. For those of you that have known me for the past several years, you know what I am referring to. For those of you relatively new to my life, those are stories that need not be repeated here!

Hopefully this new book will have a sort of "Return of the Jedi" motif to it. Ok, before I lose all the non-sci-fi people out there, I will cut the Star Wars references (for now...) Anyway, prior to launching into my sci-fi tangent, I was trying to explain that my new story starts tomorrow. It is scary because I am leaving my well-paying, professional job without having another job lined up. Oh and in case you haven't noticed, it is the worst economy of many of our lifetimes, so I have to love the irony of my timing! In all honesty, I am not worried about the state of the world's economy with regards to how it affects me. I know that I need this break from my profession, and I need it right now. Instinctively, it just feels right. I feel like I have been fighting against my intuition for too long anyway. I need to unbind my shackles and set my spirit free again.

Where does my journey begin? In Minneapolis. Did anyone see that coming??? I like to keep you all scratching your heads, so I hope you like surprises! Why Minneapolis? (you might ask.) Through my recent travels, I have met some truely incredible people from that area. I would like to spend a couple weeks with my friends there. I'm being vague aren't I? Perhaps I need to expand on the intentions of my journeys, and I will in time. For now, let me say that I need some time to dig deep into exactly what I need to be doing with my life. Put simply it's a re-evaluation period for myself. I have always felt very confident in the direction my life was heading, until the depression of the last several years. My spirit and heart were crushed, and I have never fully recovered all the pieces. I am ready to do that now. However, I know I can't do it alone. I come to my friends, with my hat in my hand, asking for their help.

I seek guidance from spirit as well. I know some of you don't think of me as a spiritual person because I don't share my beliefs with many people. However, I am actually very spiritual, just not very religious if you know what I mean. In any case, my journeys will be somewhat of a sabbatical. I am in no rush to get back into my profession until I have some personal demons dealt with and some time to rejuvenate my soul. It's time to take time for me and be a little selfish, which I have never been good at.

In essence, these are the journeys that I will write about in the coming days for an indefinite amount of time.